Guilt

Sarah's blog about feeling guilty made me think about what I thought when I began reading the memoir. At first I was a bit skeptical, I didn't think that anyone had so many memories about their past, specially not such detailed memories. Lung talks about what she thought, and wondered, she says  "He seems so serious and sad, and [she] wonder if [she] will ever see [her] fun Pa again" (49). I have read many memoirs, and heard many stories of people who went through traumatic, dangerous, horrible experiences in the past. About three years ago I read A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. I doubted that she remembered all of the things she went through, all the conversations and even what people where wearing. She said that her grandmother told her, “You lay down with dogs you get up with fleas. A hard head makes a soft behind. Life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're going to get.” Most of my doubt was because when people were actually telling me their stories, face to face, they wouldn't give as much detail. Obviously they were not going to act out the conversations that they had, but they didn't always say what they wondered, and thought in the moment. I know that when you write, more details are included, conversations and scenery so the reader can connect with the story, and picture what was happening. However sometimes when people go through a traumatic event their subconscious mind will 'block' the memories. Sort of like a defense mechanism, to avoid what happened, and even though they will still be affected, and certain things may trigger them and give them flash backs or anxiety, they won't remember somethings. I know that it doesn't happen to everyone, and it is less likely to happen to children under 10 years old, but I would think that because it was such a terrible, long period of time, they wouldn't remember somethings. 

I realize now that they were such impacting moments in their lives, moments that marked a big change, and the beginning of a terrible time that they had to live through. I know that I can't remember every moment from when I was young, but the ones that made a big impact are embedded in my brain, clear enough for me to describe everything, as if they happened only this morning.

Life Skills

Best of Friends. Best of Sisters.

After Chou and Loung get separated they are all alone. Loung says that "When [she] was sad and upset, it was [Chou] who [she] invariably sought out to share [her] feelings. [She] never realized how much [she] would miss [Chou] now that [they] were apart" (136). Loung had three brothers and three sisters, she was the second youngest and Chou the third. They were only three years apart and they were closer to each other than to any of their other siblings. When they were all forced to leave, their mother asked them to go off in different directions because it was safer, but "Though it goes against Ma's warnings, Chou and [her] cannot separate [from each other] so [they] head off in the same direction" (123). I can tell that they are very close, and reluctant to let go of each other and part ways.

I only have one sister, but when I try to put myself in Loung's shoes I know I would never be able to let go of her. She is my best friend and I cannot even imagine not having her around. We share everything and even though sometimes we fight but we can never go to sleep without making up. I could never imagine being in the situation that Loung was in when she had to part ways with her sister and keep going on her own.

Hope

I believe that there is always hope, not everything is ever lost, things could always be worse. However I admit that at times I have felt like they really couldn't, like there was no light shining, and there was no point for anything. I felt like hope was for the foolish, for people that wanted to live in a false reality. I understand why Loung would say that "[She] cannot allow [herself] the luxury of hope. To hope is to let pieces of [herself] die. To hope is to grieve his absence and acknowledge the emptiness in [her] soul without him" (108). I know that for her the hope that was lost was of her father coming back. Her truth was that he was gone. For good. Even if she had not said it out loud, or admitted it to herself, repeating it in her head to believe it, she felt it. And she couldn't deny what she felt. I know that what I felt when I felt that all hope was lost was very different than what she felt. We were put in different situations that ended up with those feelings, and even though I felt them I could never imagine being in her position, I could never imagine having to grow up in the situation she grew up in. I have family and friends that have grown up in difficult situations, I have heard their stories and how hard it has been for them, yet hers is simply horrific. I knew that things like this happened but reading about how someone suffered, and was affected personally, in their point of view makes the whole thing much more real. I am stunned that we do this to each other, that humanity can be so awful. Reading her story I think about one of my favorite songs, Dancing In Circles by Love & Theft. Part of the lyrics say "I don't understand why we do what we do to each other, according to his word we're all born sisters and brothers, but we lie and we steal, we fight and we kill even though we know the way…" Hurting each other is like a cycle that we can't break and that is exactly what the song says, but I still can't understand how people do this and are not affected, they simply don't care. How are they able to cause suffering, pain and death, and look the other way. Why don't they put themselves in the other person's shoes and think about how they would feel if it was being done to them.

Confusion. Safety.

The memoir First They Killed My Father by Loung Ung, tells the story of what her and her family went through during the Khmer Rouge. When I first began reading I was really surprised because Loung starts the memoir from when she was 5, before the Khmer Rouge. I realize that it must've been really tough for her to have to live the way she did at such a young age. It kills me to think that people had to go through that, especially at such a young age. Loung didn't even understand what was happening or why. When her father explains to her that the people in the Khmer Rouge are bad and 'destroyers of thing' she says, "[She'] does not quite understand what Pa means. [She] only hopes that someday she can be half as smart as he is" (18). I think that children should enjoy life, be free and silly, not have to live like Loung did. She must've been so scared and upset. I feel sad for her and angry towards the people who did that to her and to many others. The biggest problem for a child should be about what they are going to play with next, not whether they will get enough food to calm their hunger, or if their parents and siblings will come back home safe that night.


I also feel bad for her father. He had to make sue really hard decisions in order to protect his family. After they arrive at Krang Truop some of their old acquaintances arrive there too. Loung's father tells her that, "[They] don't want anyone to hear [her] crying. It is not safe for [them] to stay [there] anymore. [They] have to go, and [they] will ride on a truck to get there" (44). They are forced to live because of his job. He was afraid that if anyone in the Khmer Rouge found out who he was they would hurt his family. He knew that if they stayed close to people they used to know they could give away the secret in order to protect themselves or their own families.